How the Tripod Saved Christmas
by Pop Weasel
Summary: As the title says. As usual, it is devoid of sanity and contains only a semblance of a plot. It's a tad early, but I was inspired. :)


How the Tripod Saved Christmas  
  
Disclaimer: Tee hee. I don't own Wheel of Time or the characters I'm putting through Hell for my own twisted amusement.  
  
Author's Note: Yes it's a bit out of season, but I got the urge. Maybe I'll do a Halloween one later. Buwahahahahaha!  
  
  
  
~Two Rivers~  
  
Twas the night before christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring........well, not exactly.  
  
The Super Hottie of the tripod, Perrin Aybara, was lounging in the Lazy- Boy that he had stolen from the Forsaken Demandred's super secret lair in the last fic, reading the newspaper in front of a roaring fire. Fastwind snored contently beside the Lazy-Boy. Faile was on the front porch screaming at the well-well-wishers and chucking pies at them.  
  
All and all, a pretty typical evening at the Aybara household.  
  
RING RING RING  
  
Absently, Perrin picked up the phone beside the Lazy-Boy and answered with a lazy "Hello?"  
  
A low, throaty voice answered with a "Have you been a GOOD boy this year Perrin?"  
  
Perrin raised a eyebrow. "Uhhhhhhhh, the restraining order included phone calls.........."  
  
"Because if you've been a BAD boy........"  
  
"Berelain, STOP CALLING ME!!!"  
  
CLICK!  
  
Faile stalked back in, muttering under her breath about making more pies. "Who was that?"  
  
She smelled of spiky suspicion. Perrin grinned brightly.  
  
"Telemarketer."  
  
And with that, she stalked back into the kitchen to harrass her cooks (Bluebell, Zipper and Nannygoat) and force them to make more pies for her throwing pleasure.  
  
"NO YOU DO NOT PUT PICKLES INTO PIES YOU GOONS!!!"  
  
"Yes oh Mighty Mistress!" Nannygoat answered, because he is a suckup."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
Perrin sighed, shifted the paper, started to fall asleep when----  
  
BAM! THUMP!!! CRASH!!! CRUNCH!! SKKKKRRRAAWWWWWEEEEEIIIIIAAAAAAAAAATHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPT HUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP!!!  
  
Silence.  
  
SKWISH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Perrin sat up with a start. "What the....."  
  
Fastwind leapt to the door and pawed at it frantically. Perrin (being the super hottie he is) also ran to the door, thinking that maybe one of Faile's victims had somehow imploded in front of his house.  
  
There was nothing but snow falling softly when he stomped out onto the porch, looking about for the culprit.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Fastwind howled.  
  
Perrin took two steps off the porch and suddenly, a red sleigh, nine reindeer and a bag of toys slammed down in his front yard. The reindeer, being magic, survived the fall.  
  
"Hey? Where Santa.....?" Perrin started to asked when--  
  
WHACKKSPLASHYSKWISH!!!  
  
"Ewwwwwww." said Fastwind.  
  
"Hey? You can talk?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Perrin ran out to the exploded remains of Santa Clause and made a face, then ran back inside to call his fellow tripods. "Watch the body...er........puddle Fastwind!" he commanded.  
  
Fastwind howled.  
  
Inside, Faile was still tormenting the Three Gray Men. Perrin ignored them and snatched up the phone......dialing.......  
  
--Sun Palace--  
  
......RING RING RING  
  
Rand snatched up the phone and answered blearily.  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
The Dragon brightened and even forgot about his decree to murder anyone who called him in the middle of the night. "DUDE!"  
  
"Dude, you are, like NOT going to believe what just happened!"  
  
"Dude, so like what happened?"  
  
"Dude, like, SANTA CLAUSE just crashed in my yard!"  
  
"Like, cool Perrin."  
  
"Like, way cool. He's like, a puddle."  
  
"Like, awesome dude."  
  
"Like, so totally!"  
  
"Like, way so totally awesome."  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Dude. What were we talking about?"  
  
"Uhhhhhh. I'm just here to be studly and hot. I'm not, like wearing a shirt."  
  
"I like, didn't want to know that."  
  
Another pause, then--  
  
"Dude! You HAVE to see this."  
  
"DUDE! I'll be right there. Like, call Mat and tell him!"  
  
"'Kay. I'll have Faile make more pies!"  
  
---A tavern, somewhere in Randland, and no doubt surrounded by half-dressed females---  
  
CHIM CHIM CHIM  
  
Mat snatched up his cell phone.  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
"Dragon Dude!" Mat said happily, noting that the big, buff guys that were glaring at him for winning their paychecks now backed away at the mention of the Dragon.  
  
"Dude, like, Santa Clause just DIED in Perrin's yard!"  
  
"Like, no WAY!"  
  
"Yeah, he's like a puddle!"  
  
"Whoa! Can we steal the toy bag?"  
  
"Like, I never thought of that! Come on! Like, the scary bird chick is making pie!"  
  
"Like so totally awesome!"  
  
"'Kay! I'll pick you up on the way!"  
  
"Like, just wear a shirt this time."  
  
"Like, okay!"  
  
--Two Rivers, Perrin's living room--  
  
"Come on, hurry, before he evaporates!" Mat urged and ran out the door. His scream made Rand forget about the peach pie he was eating and Perrin stopped screaming at Berelain on the phone. They all ran out to the porch.  
  
Fastwind and a pack of wolves chewed lazily on the bones of the reindeer and snored in the sleigh, sleeping after such a large meal. Another wolf lapped at a red tinged puddle.  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Man! I wanted to see the puddle!" said Mat dejectedly.  
  
Rand picked up a faintly red glowing bulb attached to the skull of a reindeer. "Rudolph?"  
  
Only the toy bag remained. Mat ran over and snatched it up. "MINE ALL MINE BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!"  
  
Perrin smacked him upside the head. "Idiot! Those are not yours!"  
  
"Yeah." Rand said self-rightiously. He grabbed the bag. "THEY ARE MINE!!!"  
  
Mat and Perrin smacked him upside the head. "Idiot!"  
  
They looked at the destruction and frowned.  
  
"It's Christmas Eve guys." Rand observed. "And the children of Randland are going to be toyless come morning."  
  
"More for me." Mat chimed in.  
  
Rand ignored him. "It's the duty of the Tripod to save the day! We have to save Christmas!"  
  
  
  
Hehehehe. 


End file.
